funny

Very few things are worse than having to wake up early, very few. I wish I had never seen a sunrise in my life ever, involuntarily. But now that I have, many times, seen it, I hope to never see it again. That's how much I hate having to rise prematurely.

When I wake up early, round my region I always hear the unique call of one distinct bird, a distinct kind of bird, not a specific one. I hope it goes extinct, soon. These words are of course being spat out shortly before dawn, when I always feel entirely alone in the struggle.

I think I'd prefer it if all work would start not before 10am, so that most people wouldn't have to leave bed much earlier than 8am. Or if that's not workable, everyone could wake up whenever...except ME.

I forgot how it felt to have to wake up so early that it was still dark outside, before even the sun had a chance to slowly drag its head up in the sky. Nonsense, to have to start my day when my day hasn't yet started itself.

Probably if my body could talk, without orders from me, it would shout obscenities at me, from first sunlight and two hours following. I wouldn't protest. Oddly enough, since I was a boy, I always knew what I definitely did not want to be when I grow up. I always had a deep instinct that the worst job on earth must undoubtedly and unquestionably be:

When asked about your current job, it is almost compulsory to say: "it is fine", but I am looking for something better.

The Ernst & Young employees can say, I want to work for Google. But what would a Google employee say? Fortune's list of the best employers has been topped by Google for several consecutive years.

But, why do we all like Google? Probably for the same reason we like Christmas, or weddings. At either event, you are sure to gain something for little effort, which motivates us to participate and contribute towards the collective wealth.

At Christmas, children are asked to decorate the tree and adults are expected to bring their parents handy gifts such as a new baking oven. By offering a helping hand you can make a fortune - tons of cakes and sweets for the children, for example. The same applies to weddings. What do the adults look for at weddings? Maybe we should ask Owen Wilson.

We've gathered together some of the very oddest, funniest and most interesting stories of the week from around the web. And it has been a pretty strange week. Enjoy.

1)World's First Burger Grown in a Lab

We really are living in the future. Scientists have taken cells from cows in Holland, grown them into muscle and then combined that to make the world's first man-made beef burger-which was then cooked and eaten live on TV.

However the question everyone was asking, is does it actually taste like a burger? Opinions on the matter ranged from, "It's a very good start", to "there is quite some intense taste; it's close to meat, but it's not that juicy".

To make the story that bit more odd, it turns out that the mystery backer who has invested £215,000 into the project is actually the co-founder of Google. Whether you think it is the solution to world hunger, or a horrible experiment that shouldn't be repeated, it has certainly got people talking.

Earlier this week, Bank was voted the most hated tube station in London. Possibly because of the general loathing against bankers- the station is always full of them because of the direct service to London City Airport and Canary Wharf.

But for one Wednesday last week, the busiest station must have been St Paul's. It was there that I met a businessman who was rushing to do business somewhere around Greenwich.

I was waiting for a tube, just coming back from Margaret Thatcher's funeral, when joined by several well dressed gentlemen. One of them, nearing his 50s, approached the traffic warden with a question about the connection to North Greenwich - business interest, obviously.

Later he boarded the train and spent the journey engaged in conversion with a ‘peer'. I only overheard that one word 'peer' while reading paper, business news.

Upon leaving, I left the paper on the seat. The well dressed gentleman took it. I meant to leave it for other travellers to read, I apologized for what might be seen as leaving rubbish.

"That's all right', he said "I'll read it on my next train".

He asked me whereabouts I was from.

"Slovakia", he reacted to my country of origin. "I have a friend from there, Bruno, makes good guns".

On April 1st each year everyone from newspapers, to online media outlets, to huge companies create their own fake stories for April Fools' Day. This year was no different and we've gathered together nine of the funniest and most inventive stories to appear yesterday.

1. The Shard turned into Fairground Ride (Huffington Post)